mamaowl

several different things, i have three studios this quarter: Intermedia II, Archive Photography, Advance Painting, and a HAVC class on time based media and the body. boy am i busy! no one i know has ever taken three studios in one quarter, but i like meeting my potentional. the only class i'm falling behind in is painting, but that is because i decided i don't believe in painting anymore and the professor and i come from two very different schools of thought when it comes to art. east vs west. but i love EG, she is a great professor, totally amazing artist, and totally understands my approach to art. made a lot of video and sound, and installations, just completed a sacrilegious prayer rug, built from start to finish, every thread knotted by yours truely, with a matching light sculpture, pretty pleased with it, just a little cross eyed after. writing a post-art, post-human, artist statement slash femifesto picking up where the critical art assemble left off with the Machine World. also there is this amazing sculpture artist in my intermedia class, that always impresses me, and usually i'm the only one really impressed, i just understand it and i think its strong, and i know he's passionate because he's in the studio more often than i am even, and really loves what he's doing, and takes critique really well... AND he called me last week and i missed the call?! i totally don't remember any such call or message, and he gave me a hard time about it and busted my balls a little, but the call was only about wanting some cardboard. anyway so he puzzles me, or i puzzle me about him. he is unlike anyone i've been interested in before, and i'm not sure i'm interested in his kindness or his artwork, either way thats a mature step from any other sort of crush i've had before. that's right i just admitted to having a crush on this guy, this pretty short nerdy dude who's favorite band is the mars volta... pahlease, right? or wrong? i don't know, i'm thinking i'm going to ask him out and figure it out, because its sort of driving me crazy. i run into him a lot, and well i have a habit of believing in meaningful coincidences...

... thursdays are a drag.

I didn’t mean to let the cat out the mouse trap, your

mouth tastes just like my mouth.

The shifts in scale annihilate, “you live

                        lithium laced ideals of happiness,” I told                                                 you.

 

First found, then lost,

Jesus was left on the cross.

They say you have to find, pillage

then settle. Find the decay in the foundation and fill with whatever plaster is on sale.

I fill and

file.

I listened to the words and phrases others told me were right.

I don’t doubt they were right.

They were probably right.

They were certainly

right.

Like the catalogued hides of beanie babies collected

as road kill for a future coat. Soft and dripping in loose

threads.

It sounded like the shake of the ice cubes in a big gulp, or the

shake at the bottom of your baggie, either will do.

“on a completely animal level, we all need

to be held.”

I feel like I can only hear my own voice.

            Even when others speak, they

speak in my voice, uncomfortable and sure.

Like the sound of a virgins first tear.

I think only few things are ever that clear.

I've been feeling so old lately, its kind of a bummer. So many responsibilities, and so much guilt that goes along with that. Because of Diana's injury, and because i mainly work weekends, we've taking many day trips, most of which include cruising the one. There is a common thread to all trips and that is santa cruz's best weed, and any Dr. Dog album. We went to Halfmoon Bay, which is a creepy little dead town, with almost no people, sorta crazy, but we found a place that had butterscotch sundays and that was more than delightful. Next trip was Monterey Bay or rather canary road, which was cute and novel. Then we took the one all the way up to San Francisco last weekend to Haight and Ashberry, we're we purchased a new bong, and watched The Warriors, stoned as hell at that cute little cinema. Anyway, one more month of Santa Cruising and then, a week in Munich, and a month in Jordan working in Palestinian Refugee Camps with the UN, then 24 hours in Amsterdam, which i plan to film in real time. I need to find a new house, housing in Santa Cruz is so competitive.

ART: We're having a soap box derby for open studios. It's been a blast working with spencer to make this down hill racer. Its a beast, all found objects, but you wouldn't guess it. Our team is themed after the ninja turtles, we're called los tortugas or something like the that. I'm doing the paint job and its sickkk. I love art school.

BOREDOM: Santa Cruz is really fucking boring. All i do is smoke weed and order pizza. Well i mean i go to school and work. But even the parties are so boring, and the same every time, small town syndrome. I haven't met anyone new or interesting, except for paul, but he's just the cute coffee guy.

HAIRCUT: I cut off all my hair and i LOVE it. I wasn't nervous at all, and its been surprisingly normal to have it this way, and i never new how i ever had long hair. Oh, i left a jedi braid, and its sweet.

BIRTHDAY: My birthday was mother fucking crazy. A group of eight of us gathered at my house and started getting drunk together and watching reality TV on BET. The group was perfect: Diana, Brian & Deana, Cooper, metal Mellissa, my punk rock neighbors Andy and Jared, two other people i didn't know. Anyway after we got to loud we left my house to another party, but by the time we got there it was broken up. So we went up to campus to party, and Karena, Tom, Katie met up. We party until we got shut down and i lied about being a visiter so i wouldn't get "written up" (wtf really?). So we all ran away into the meadow, where we cracked a bottle of champagne and got inhebriated. After puking for the 4th time i was ready to go home, as diana and i headed for the bus stop we looked back and saw a cop car crashing the meadow. Long story short Cooper got tackled, pepper sprayed and arrested for no fucking reason. He wasn't even that drunk, they never did breathalyze him, they never identified themselves as cops, and they never told him why he was being arrested. When katie turned around to ask why he was being arrested, they pepper sprayed her. TOTAL ABUSE OF POWER FUCKING PIGS, they both have lawyers on it. FUCKING CRAZY.

so i'm going up to the city tomorrow to install a show for the collective i'm a part with in association with brooklyn artist Matthew McGuienness. I'm excited, where installing a biodiesel sculpture, that operates on a bicycle push, whaaaa? and other soap sculptures and visual media and music i made. every first thursday in sf are all the gallery openings and i'm going to be in one sickkkk. its on 16th st, so bryan you should come. i've been hella busy sorta team leading all the design and music and writing this tedious summary for my class at noon is the last thing i want to do, when we instal TOMORROW and there is so much work left to be done with the posters and spoke cards, eeek. so mr. coffee doesnt have a name yet, but i was going to invite him to the show on thursday, but then maybe i dont want him to have a name yet, its way more fun when the flirtation is never realized into something actual, ya know what i mean. anyway, things besides work and school have been pretty boring, although friday was cooper's birthday and it was the first good party i have been to in santa cruz, seriously and then on sunday i went to sf to see the mae shi with deana and brian, who are the best people here, or at least my faves. anyway i better get back to writing this bullshit summary.

i'm taking 20 units, five more than usual. its a really exciting quarter though. i'm working with the visiting artist matthew mcguienness, making a biodiesel processor, and making sculpture out of the glycerin byproduct. its exciting and totally interesting and he's a really cool dude from brooklyn also. also taking histories of video art, and art seminar in contemporary visual media. on top of that i got a spot at the best salon in downtown santa cruz. i love my boss, so theres not much more to ask for. diana is a house maid for this agency that uses eco friendly cleaning supplies haha. then we ride our bikes, diana just got this beaut of a fixie. and thats pretty much it. the party scene is so fucking boring these days, that i dont even bother to go which i think is ultimately pissing off my friends, that i care little about anyway. the weed is still good. gin and tonic is my new fav. dustin visited which was real fun. blah blah work school, trying to get won back, blah, ready to meet different people, blah will, blah.

She grabbed her ivory liter out of her hoodie pocket, yes she thought of it as ivory and not white and always found it good luck because of its usual negative social standing, and lit her cigarette. She stood outside the party, leaning against the cold railing, finding it soothing through the cloth of her clothes, as her cheeks grew rosey with intoxication. She sipped again from the pink liquid, so plainly alcohol, in what she thought was a discreet water bottle. She took a drag and exhaled half of the smoke first, then inhaled the rest.
“I don’t want to know you anymore” she exhaled both her words and the smoke of her Parliament Light at the same time. She scratched above her eyebrow and could smell her cigarette, which she hated the smell of. She closed her eyes nonchalantly in plain view, and thought about how once the man across from her made her smile until her cheeks were sore with pain. For a long time she would always smoke her cigarette all the way through the filter until it burnt the back of her throat and two of her knuckles. She thought she deserved it though, she thought she deserved him. She opened her eyes again but shifted them away from the stranger he had become, and kissed his mouth anyway.
“Fuck!” she screamed lightly. She had burnt two of her knuckles, again.

a lot has happened since i moved here, or since i posted last anyway. i have a handful of friends i really like here, but it goes without saying things with alex ended really poorly, but i figured they would, we just have really different ways of approaching life. academically things have not been great, but to talk about that would give it life put it out into the universe, and i don't want to do that, it'll work out. last monday i got into a car accident and was taken by ambulance to the hospital, but its not so bad now. i raged pretty hard all weekend, and diana's cousin bill visited. i played a show last night. i went to the city tonight. i went hiking in the forest again, this time for four hours because i got lost, but discovered some crazy things along the way. there is more pabst, steel, vodka and whiskey in my fridge than anything else. i still need a job but haven't been able to get anywhere to try. i'm making art i like again in my free time, not for class naturally. i'm strangely and grossly become "that girl!" here, which is weird because i just moved here. i spent money this month. i thought valentines day was just thursday. i rediscovered old favorites. you know, good and bad.

it has certainly been a while since i've posted, but that is so much more like a real journal, you always start with the best of intentions and just end up forgetting to reflect. anyway, i live in santa cruz and have had for about a month now. i love it here. each day is an eternity, but so much happens that it feels like time flies when you look back. today my one class was cancelled and i have no one to play with. in addition my phone died spontaneously yesterday, so i'll be out of commission in that light, at least for a few days. i have three classes this quarter. one studio course and two visual culture courses. my one studio is making me pretty productive, i've made three pieces so far, but only one looks like i made it. the constraints of art school are a real problem, architecture and abstraction? but why? not for me. but at least i'm in a studio this quarter. it's cool having 24 hour access to work space and such. my one visual culture class on environments and installations post 1960's is surprisingly boring. i mean i have never had this much trouble staying awake, its kind of a bummer, because i think the professor is an interesting person it just doesn't come up in lecture. my other visual culture class is on contemporary african diaspora and that one is actually extremely interesting. besides school, because its become second rate, life has been good and different. i met some important people, most notably alex probably. we had this absurd instant connection and i've never been so comfortable with a presumable stranger. things got pretty heavy and we got used to each other sleeping in each others arms every night. but one night at a party, people started calling me his girlfriend and in typical Dalia manner, i freaked out and became distant. even though now things are back to normal, i still know i hurt him and there's definitely a new vibe between us, that makes me regretting ever acting on my surprise. i just needed a minute, and now i feel like he's giving me thousands of them, in order to make me feel comfortable, but really its just worse. so i don't know what to do or think about the whole situation and it probably doesn't help now that it's going to be close to impossible to get a hold of me. oh and there was also noah, but i cant say much about noah now. aside from that i met a group i like to party with, so thats important, to me. i haven't looked for a job, but as time goes on, i definitely find the need for one, so i'm going to go salon hunting on wednesday. santa cruz is an amazing place. its so beautiful to live amongst vast forest and the beach, i just wish the weather would improve soon. i went hiking the other day with noah, and he knows every plant that grows in the forest, its really awesome having that kind of knowledge on your sleeves, so we ate a bunch of different leaves and i got sick the next day, it was also raining, but so worth it, it was beautiful out there that day. i haven't gone to the beach much at all because its so bloody cold, but soon. i just party a lot and paint a lot. there's a lot of really yummy veggie and vegan places around too, a lot of which stay open 24 hours. living with diana and mordecai (her dog) has been really awesome, and i'm really happy about that. i'm learning that living on the eastside might not be as great as i thought the street cred would make it, especially for two girls, but its still not so bad. i love walking everywhere. this place is so small that everyone could be your neighbor. i hardly ever drive except to go to the city, which i will be going to twice this week, once to see delta spirit at slims, and again on thursday for the gallery openings. its awesome living in the middle of nowhere but being close to a really big somewhere. anyway, i feel like i've gone on too long.

love,
ma

my roomies.

he loves beer.

the forest in the rain.

new one, self portrait.

being self reflective, in my case often proves destructive, but yet here i am typing anyhow. today part of the reason i left my old beauty school to the new one i am now happy about was a certain evil teacher. today, since the school has been understaffed a teacher, we finally met our new one, and surprise surprise. but you know what i only have a month and a half left i just hope she doesnt make it too hard. me and linda both have a history with this woman and it aint pretty, actually she has beef with about six students who all left a school because of her. so linda and i solved our problems like i solve most problems-- we blazed a bowl. i must speak of linda, she is a soccer mom and we typically get high and watch a cartoon in her mini van, i've never smoked with a mom before, but i like it so far ha. i've been thinking a lot lately, mostly about my habits. the other night at a party some of the older kids decided to name me an alcoholic, which is really unfair. granted, i get trashed, and have been doing so alot lately, doesnt mean i drink reguarly or on my own. i drink at parties, i party on weekends and i drink to get drunk, not for any other reason. oh and then i was bouncing around really enjoying my drunk and one of the older kids says,"look at her she's the only one having fun" and the other one replies with "thats because she does drugs". this is also really unfair. weed is not a drug. come onnnn. quit pinning me, turn those fingers around! so yeah, deadlines deadlines deadlines-- shitty.

searching for optimism,
mama

with a house party invite, and no desire to attend, she clutched her british vogue and left her room. she drove to her favorite coffee place, well it was the closest and free for some reason that she would explain to you if you asked her, and so it became her favorite. she'd always lottery her music choice and drew from the stack of loose cd's in the center compartment of her car. she placed it in the player with a bit of smile. a smile that read "of course," it had been cloudy, she may have felt lonely and of course this once, years ago, dark album made her smile. in fact at the sound of the narrative and the start of the tune she found her self laughing. she was in such a haze she ran a red light, but not to worry it turned green as she passed through it. after joyously shouting along the lyrics she used to cry to she pulled up to the cafe. the only available parking was in the back so it gave her an opportunity to walk that night. she always found such comfort in her accessories. for instance she'd sulk her face in her oversized pagmina, or grip the handles of her purse, and sometimes-- when times would call for it, she'd bite on her oversized necklace. this walk however, only involved the first two. she walked passed people and looked them straight in the eyes, but didn't look at them at all, she was known to do that. if people would ever give it two moments of thought they might find it haunting, but often people never had the time for the thought. she stepped inside where she was prepared to order her typical cup of black coffee, or "dark sweetened adulthood" as she came to call it. however, strangely, in an almost innate action she stepped to the counter and ordered a black peach soy fusion tea, without thinking twice. after she completed her transaction, she only then realized her somewhat disturbing choice, but she remained eager anyhow. after minutes of people watching and eavesdropping on older men feuding over who would pay, her drink was ready, and with it she stepped outside. there were plenty of patio tables, and no one occupying them, odd for a summer night, she thought. she sat down and began flipping through the first dozen or so pages of purely advertisements. she got to the letter from the editor and read that, as well as any other text on the next few pages. she cautiously blew into the insert of her to-go cup and took a sip, her mouth was scorched, but it didn't bother her. she continued to read. she was actually reading vogue, and not thinking about her friends, or her male interest, or her age, a growing problem after her recent coming of age, instead she actual just read. apparently high waisted two piece bathing suits were preparing to make a comeback, she only hoped the beaches were ready. she continued to read when she was interrupted-- "abby?" no one had called her abby in years, she decided she was much more of an abigail than an abby a few years back. she looked up and realized it would be someone from her past. she was comforted by the face of a family friend who had seen her grow up. they exchanged small talk and compliments of hairstyles and handbags. the friend had insisted she go on inside and sit with her and her husband, never one to be rude, abigail followed. she sat as the two discussed office politics and television. she was always one who avoided both of those but tried to nod along. they discussed her future and her plans after college. the friend reported "after college nothing happens, you just start getting old." a few moments passed, maybe a few hours actually, and feeling unexplainably disheartened, or maybe just tired she'd later convince herself, she explained that she had to leave, and that she was pleased to have seen them. she stepped outside and all she felt was disappointment in the progress she made with her vogue, as she looked at her phone that had no missed calls, which she was subconsciously hoping to get the whole time she was seated in the cafe. it was now cooler than when she first arrived, cold winds always tampered with her mind. although this time she just sighed. sighed for the sake of the sigh. this only made sense to her. she opened her car door and started her engine. then the melancholy melody echoed again, and she couldn't help the sides of her mouth turning up again as she drove a familiar road home.